Was it All a Lie?

My wife can’t be a lesbian, can she? Incredulously, I repeated these words in my head as passionate memories of love, sex, and affection flooded through my mind. Furiously denying the events that were unfolding right in front of my eyes, I kept wishing they simply weren’t true. But, reality is a cold mistress and we were having a battle that I was not meant to win.

“I want a divorce” were the words that she uttered after a decade of dating and marriage, “but, why?” I asked with a look that could be described as a mixture of confusion, sadness, and anger. Waiting for an answer, I remained silent, expecting a simple response for something that could have easily been fixed… but, instead the response was something I could have never imagined. My wife identified as gay, and had started a relationship with the woman of her dreams behind my back.

Enraged at this betrayal, I spent months in the solitude of shipboard life contemplating the misery that was my life. Laughing at the naiveté of my own mind for foolishly believing myself to be the man who had everything he could have ever wanted, a happy wife and child, a decent job, and a side hustle as a writer… when it had all been built on a throne of lies and deceit. Feeling broken hearted at the discovery of my wife’s sexual orientation, which was simply incompatible with mine.

Thankfully, in a burst of sudden enlightenment, I decided to do some research instead of wallowing in despair. It was there, where I discovered that at least 30% of men who seek support from The Straight Spouse Network had run into similar issues. In fact, it turned out that this situation is a fairly common occurrence in numerous marriages. The question now, was in fact not “if her lesbianism bothered me?*” as much as it was, “how should I react to this sudden turn of events?”

Contemplating the last 10 years of our lives, I walked cautiously through the precarious hangar bays of a naval warship. “Had it all been a lie”, I thought. Were all those tender moments, passionate nights, candlelit dinners, and tender moments of vulnerability, simply forced by a woman whose interests lay elsewhere? But, worst of all… had she simply used me for my benefits in order to get a better life, only to discard me when it was convenient for her? I simply didn’t have an answer to those questions.

Now, standing at the edge of a divorce, and clinging on to the shattered remains of my self-esteem, I sat quietly in my office. Delving into nostalgic memories of days spent with my family, of reassuring thoughts that would invalidate all of this, but nothing can stop the passage of time or the personal development of a human being. In my mind, the effort I put into the relationship was enough to sustain a happy life, yet little did I realize something was dead inside my wife. Living with me throughout these years had killed the fire that made me fall in love with her, and my obliviousness had stopped me from taking notice.

Yet, while one life was experiencing a death, another was in the midst of a rebirth. Rising from the ashes like a phoenix, a woman reborn began smiling, laughing, embracing new experiences, conquering long-seated fears, and living life once more. A metaphorical breath of fresh air had entered her life, as she realized that in order to find true happiness; she needed to fully realize her potential… and I couldn’t have been prouder. Discovering herself was exactly what my wife needed, and I couldn’t help feeling joy regarding this momentous event in her life.

Admittedly, it took me time to overcome this trauma, and there are still plenty of sore spots that bring about much pain. Conquering the pain of infidelity is not easy, after all, nobody should be expected to forgive and forget something as destructive as a betrayal. But, this was a momentous occasion in the life of a human being who was close to me. We should never inhibit the self-development of another person, nor should we stun their pursuit of happiness. Her intentions were not to hurt me, they weren’t a personal attack meant to destroy my happiness, but rather to seek the answers to questions that remained within her. To break free from those chains of tradition that had long held her back from being herself for once in her life. Nobody should be held at fault for such pursuits and I was starting to realize such motives.

However, seeing her in the arms of another continues to cause me pain. I love my wife immensely, gender and sexuality aside, this is no different than any other case of infidelity and nobody appreciates the feeling of betrayal. Steps could have been taken to mitigate the damage, but in the end… this was the road she chose and it was her own.

So… was it all a lie? No, it wasn’t, my wife and I had grown up immensely thanks to each other. Influencing one another to become better, bolder, kinder and wonderful human beings, one day at a time we became the people we are today. The experiences we shared as one molded us, as we discovered our bodies, minds, and souls together. I simply refuse to believe that our decade together was a fabrication.

Reaching this conclusion, I marched onwards to a new life. It wasn’t easy, and I must admit that I didn’t reach this conclusion entirely by myself. Counselors, friends, family, and even my wife were supportive throughout the whole ordeal. Despair can easily take over during moments of grief and loss, but with their help, I stood strong. Thinking back on the last ten years of my life, they were definitely an emotional roller coaster, but I wouldn’t change them for the world.

People change, grow, and mature in unexpected ways, however, their decision to embrace themselves fully is not always an easy one. My wife’s decision to accept herself did not invalidate the last ten years of our lives and I can live with that choice. For better or worse (most likely better) my wife and I made an impact on each other that will last us a lifetime… and for that, I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

*I had long been a supporting ally of the homosexual community since before this event, so the concept of homosexuality was never an issue.