Navy Cancels All PRTs
It’s safe to say the novel Corona Virus has changed the course of the Navy. From captains losing their posts to travel restrictions and even class cancellations, it’s safe to say that 2020 was full of growing pains. But, no growth has hit the Navy harder than their never-ending battle against their ever-expanding waistlines. Indeed, with movement restrictions and gyms being closed, sailors now more than ever are struggling to keep their midsections from blocking the view of their “feet.”
Yet, the Navy is no stranger to expanded girths. After all, the only thing bigger than a chief’s belly is their ego. However, the Navy was content ignoring this growing issue as long as it didn’t affect their sailor’s physical readiness test (PRT) scores. Or the E-7 Command Fitness Leader (CFL) double or tripled checked their body composition assessment’s (BCA) measurement for complete and total accuracy. With those two criteria met, The Navy was operating like a well-oiled machine.
But, after the year 2020, it seems the smooth sailing is finally over. After the Chief of Naval Operations received reports of a string of mock PFA failures within the 3rd, 5th, and 7th fleets, he was less than thrilled with his sailors. When asked what his thoughts on the results of his fleets? The CNO had this to say.
“The health and well-being of my sailors are of the utmost importance. In light of the recent results of numerous physical fitness assessment failures that have come to my attention, I have to say that I’m disappointed. The Navy expects the best from their sailors in every aspect of their careers, including their readiness scores. I mean, if sailors can’t fit through scuttles and hatches, how are they supposed to fight or escape fires? If a seaman can’t run from one end of the ship to the other without having a heart attack or stopping to catch his breath, how will he reach his locker? And if a Chief gets stuck in the narrow p-ways of the ship because he had one too many donuts from the mess, how will the other sailors muster in time for man overboard? It’s a disgrace!”
“For that reason, to avoid looking bad in front of all the other branches, we’re canceling all PRTs until further notice. The Navy is going to focus its efforts on malnutrition and depriving sailors of food. They can’t be overweight if they don’t eat after all. Once a few cycles have passed, I’m sure they’ll be back to trim and healthy in no time. In light of the results, it’s the only solution I can think of, and while it pains me to say it. Stop eating donuts, fatties!”
Now, it’s up to Navy leadership to do what they do best and break the news to their sailors. We can only hope, these new drastic measures don’t lead to another wave of tragedies in the world’s greatest Navy. That, or create a new black market for fatty foods in the messes. Because at this rate, sailors will be trading favors for donuts in no time.
P.S.
This was originally posted in a satire website that is no defunct.