Forgiveness Wanted Not Required

Fumbling my way through the folly of youth, I found myself constantly making mistakes. By seeking the approval of individuals who didn’t matter, I hurt the people closest to me without remorse. Little did I know that these mistakes would eventually come back to haunt me, and karma, well she was just waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. But, in my path for forgiveness, I failed to realize what was happening around me. To witness how my actions became unforgivable to those I loved.

Throughout my life, I have stolen, cheated, lied, betrayed, and hurt others (inadvertently, or otherwise). Coming from a broken home, this doesn’t surprise me now. The damaging behaviors I mistakenly believed to be everyday occurrences, were not so normal for those around me. However, it’s impossible to tell the difference between what’s proper and that which isn’t, without a frame of reference and my perspective was skewed from the beginning.
Yet, too often do we fall into the trap of believing people should just accept our toxic behaviors without judgment. That simply being victims of an abusive household shields from the consequences of our actions. Expecting our loved ones to forgive us when we continuously make the same mistakes. Seemingly learning nothing of how these behaviors hurt and destroy them.
I speak from personal experience when I say that I was identical to those individuals. Acting without remorse when I committed countless infractions that hurt one of the most important people in my life. Expecting her to accept an apology and carry on smartly.
However, I was wrong. Worst of all, I recognized it and simply couldn’t change it despite my best efforts.
An insurmountable mountain laid before me, and no matter how much I climbed, the summit simply evaded my reach. Despairing at my ineptitude, I fell into a deep depression that worsened the situation at home. Making every day a struggle to survive, without emotionally hurting everyone in the household… and physically myself.
Eventually, my depression hit its lowest point, and it was then I realized that outside help was required. Seeking assistance from my chain of command, I was recommended for psychotherapy and began treatment within two weeks.
My journey to forgiveness had finally started, and I was extremely hopeful.
Treatment lasted for over a year, with weekly counseling sessions happening every month, and with consistent progress. My mood was slowly improving, the treatment of those around me was getting better, and most importantly I was realizing what was truly important in my life.
It wasn’t all perfect though, relapses happened throughout this trip, and mistakes happened far more often than I would have preferred.
Forming new habits, erasing toxic behaviors, and changing mindsets requires constant effort. It’s the reason why people often quit halfway through their journey. Failing to realize, that their efforts with inevitably be rewarded in the long run.
After all, life is a marathon, not a sprint.
Yet, within me, the seeds of change had been sowed, and just like a tree whose seeds have just sprouted takes a long time to mature, I too would require the time to erase nineteen years’ worth of damage.
But, why was I so motivated, you might ask? It was simple, I wanted to earn the forgiveness of my wife, and become a respectable example of a husband to my son.
To this end, I pushed harder than anything before in my life. My goal was a great one, and stopping was not an option.
In the meantime, I failed to realize how my wife was slowly falling out of love with this new person she was getting to know. As the levels of safeness and comfort rose around our home, she was slowly realizing that I was not the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
In her mind, she was trapped in a bad situation that she could never escape, so she might as well make peace with it. Living day to day, just enjoying the good little things in life, and the stability that comes from having a husband with a decent job and a sour attitude. When that was no longer the case, she suddenly had the time to focus on herself.
Worrying about what was troubling me that day, or what new problem came up at work was now a thing of the past. Now, she could think about her needs and worries, her dreams and goals, and it was in her own words… terrifying. The things she discovered within the depths of her mind, were troubling, to say the least, and those who’ve read my previous work “Was It All a Lie?” will recognize what this meant for everyone around her.
I can’t say I didn’t understand her plight. It’s hard to escape abusive homes, we feel trapped, scared, but as crazy as it sounds, there is a feeling of safety within it. Both my wife and I were products of abusive households (and toxic to each other in different ways), as such we didn’t know any better. But, by that same token, we knew what to expect from an unstable household, not what to make of a steady, safe environment.
Yet, at that moment, when we finally had it, she felt free to cut loose, and in a flash, all her deep-seated resentment, anger, and fury was released.
Realizing how little she had forgiven my mistakes, I sat quietly. Listening, to her flinging ironic echoes my way, hurling insults, attempting to emasculate me, and acting out in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. Feeling like I deserved every bit of it, secretly hoping that by her venting, she’d finally be able to get over whatever was holding her back.
Nevertheless, forgiveness wasn’t in the cards at the time…
It was foolish for me to think that after enduring years of what tantamounted to torture, she could simply forgive and forget. I guess, deep down inside, I selfishly wanted her validation.
Eventually, though, I realized that her forgiveness was not necessary…
On that day, my words to her were:
“ I realize there is little I can do to salvage our marriage. But, for that reason, I want to tell you that, anything I do for you from this moment onward is strictly for ME. Your actions are your own, not mine, and I will not let your cruelty change my kindness into hate. Just remember that I’m going to love you and respect you until the day we are gone from each other’s life”.
At that moment, by accepting that change was inevitable, I realized the outcome of our marriage was ultimately irrelevant. The only thing I could do was live my best life, and by the gods, I was going to do just that.
That was the point where it stopped being about her and became about me. I didn’t need to redeem myself in her eyes, only in mine. Handling the situation with the utmost respect and privacy, avoiding sharing anything in social media that would have been misconstrued, I passed countless days.
Focusing instead, on the relationship with my son, ensuring dinner was cooked for the whole family, and laundry was always folded and cleaned became my daily bread. Managing a full-time career, and a family was the focus of my life. Keeping my eyes on the positives, while acknowledging the negatives, but preventing them from touching my soul was the key.
It was through those actions, that I eventually started seeing myself in a new light. Realizing what I had to offer, and the great things I could bring to any relationship, with or without my wife. My son was happy and for that matter… so was I.
Comfortable to a fault, in fact, even bringing her with us on trips for the sake of having both parents around was a joy, after all, why should our relationship affect the one with our child?
Considering that his happiness was my goal, and recognizing the importance of the joy his mother brought him made it even easier to manage my feelings of pain towards her.
Inevitably, our tale concluded in divorce. Yet, our friendship is stronger than it ever was.
She eventually forgave me for my past indiscretions, but by that point, I had stopped looking for it.
I had finally realized the forgiveness of others was not necessary.
However, that’s not to say it was irrelevant, I appreciated being forgiven, it just simply wasn’t going to validate me at that point.
At the end of your day, while it does feel great to be forgiven, it’s not as if life were to end without it.
I’d say, it’s more important to make peace with yourself, and strive for self-improvement. After all, actions speak louder than words and the best way to show remorse for your actions, is to become a better version of yourself every day.
Once you’ve forgiven yourself, it’s up to the other person to decide, whether they’re going to hold on to their resentment or finally let go… until then their forgiveness is not required.

P.S.

Actions speak louder than words, and the best present you can give to someone who has left your life (and yourself for that matter) is to live a full, happy, and peaceful one.

To show them that you’re okay and that you’ll be fine without them because if they truly ever cared about you… they will be happy with your outcome as well.