Demon Without A Bottle

“Shut the f*ck up, you’re my problem, stop being so annoying, I don’t need you”… were the words that I uttered to my wife on a regular basis. Neglect, and abuse were the daily bread of our home, yet I felt helpless to stop it. Sincerely wishing it could have been better, I spent countless nights tossing and turning in our bed. But, there were demons in our home and while some would blame the bottle as the root of their problems, we… no I didn’t have such an excuse. I was the root of our unhappiness, this much was clear.

“Blame it on the alcohol”, words sang by famous contemporary poet, Jamie Foxx. An excuse often uttered by abusers in toxic relationships or young folk regretting the mistakes of their previous night. However, alcohol was never a factor for our household. Both of us were fairly sober individuals, restricting our consumption to special events and social situations. To put it succinctly, there was nothing shielding us from the reality of our miserable existence.

Living the daily grind, suffering in silence, angry at our immaturity and the inability to change her circumstances she grew resentful of our shared life. Hating my very being, and quietly trapped within her mind, my wife laid silent. Going through the motions on a daily basis without any expectations, simply hoping that the day would be a quiet one without conflict, a spouse continued suffering. Who could blame her though, with a husband such as myself? A man who was filled with nothing, except contempt and self-hatred?

Still, who could judge, me? The product of a broken home, constant bullying, a stressful work environment and daily harassment from co-workers, I was a mess. These constant events created the wounds that came home with me every day turning me into a monster. I was angry, and instead of coping with it in a healthy manner, I would take it out on my loved ones. The fact is, I was the spirit haunting our home, a demon without a bottle to blame for his action.

Deep down, I understood the impact of my actions on the family, but I couldn’t help myself. “Why won’t she leave me, why is she still around, why won’t she simply divorce me and be happy, how can she continue being kind to me?” I kept asking myself these questions. Why in the world would anyone put up with someone like me, after all? Apparently her, but as for her reason, back then, I wouldn’t have never guessed.

Little did I know that she felt trapped in our unhappy marriage. Seeing no way to escape my clutches, she opted to stay silent. As for me, I just kept pushing harder, until one day… I almost put a bullet in my own head.

I’ll never forget that day at the gun range… a mere thought, “just shoot yourself right now, they’ll never be able to stop you”. That was all it took, I finished the practice and rushed back to my family. Asking them to go for a walk, I confessed the news of my psychological status. “I am depressed, seriously so”, I uttered. “No way, you can’t be depressed, that’s impossible” she responded. Looking at her despair filled eyes, I shared with her my suicidal idealizations.

I told her, I wanted to seek professional help, and speak to a psychologist. Thankfully, she was supportive and even accompanied me to the doctor. Visiting on a weekly and then eventually bi-weekly routine helped immensely… eventually a year had passed after starting the behavioral therapy, but the change wasn’t particularly noticeable.

It was a slow and gradual process, one which took years to settle in. During that time, relapses into my old behavior were common, and there were moments when I fell down the deep abyss of depression for relatively small periods of time. But, still she remained kind and strong.

It was that kindness that ultimately broke me. It made me give it my all towards changing. In a sudden moment of clarity, I had finally realized that change has to happen from within the soul.

A person will never change unless they want to, and it was her continued support which made me want to be the best version of myself for our family.

I owe a lot to my wife, and I’d never change the moments spent together. Without her, my life wouldn’t have been the same. Seeing her suffer quietly all those years made me angry at myself, but it also made me want to give her the life she deserved.

A life filled with love, and happiness.

I’m not surprised at the actions my wife took, as anyone who read my previous article would know. She sought her own happiness after helping me discover mine.

I had realized a little too late that I was the man who had everything he ever wanted, and it had been sitting in front of him the entire time. Boy, what a fool, I’ve been.

But, I choose to not wallow in pity.

I’m happy that my life turned out the way it did. Without the person whom I almost spent the rest of my life with, I would have never come so far. She wasn’t an enabler or a doorstop, she was the one who broke through every single one of the walls I had built around my heart.

Drilling right into the core of my very soul, she pierced through me with her love and understanding. A goddess by any other name, and a saint to others, she was once the person I called my wife.

A literal Beauty and the Beast had unfolded in my life, yet this is not the case for everyone. Not everyone is as fortunate as we were to have each other in our lives.

The vast majority of individuals don’t seek self-improvement and purposely trying to have a rescue romance will always end in disaster.

The only reason ours succeeded was due to the circumstances around us. She wasn’t trying to save me from myself, she was simply trying to make the best out of an awful situation. Miraculously, I managed to pick up on the subtle clues of her unhappiness. A sadness which she masked through forced smiles and nights spent crying away from the bedroom.

Truly, I wanted to be kind for her sake, to be worthy of her love. To become something that had never been a part of my own life… a good man.

It’s difficult to break the circle of abuse, but trust me it is possible. Simply push your best effort forward and accept nothing less than giving it your all.

If you want to make those around you happy, you have to stand up and choose to become a better human being for your own sake. Find your own happiness, and let it come from within. Allowing it to flourish, it will spread to those around you and give you the strength to continue.

Just remember that life is also about accepting responsibility for your own actions, and by making peace with those consequences, you release yourself from the shackles that bind you.